She's got a Black Halo

Several people have requested some help starting up their Twitter accounts….And after fielding many of the same questions, I thought it a saucy idea to create a ‘study guide for the beginning tweeter’. At the behest of my dear friend, Shelley, I am posting it for anyone who is getting ready to take the “Twitter leap” and may need some assistance!

***WARNING- there is some ‘questionable’ language in this post, so if that sort of thing offends you, saunter on…!”  This is RATED R…At best.****

Tweet Like a Bird, Motherfucker.

Once the Egg has been laid:

Basic terms:

Twitter feed:  the list of your personal tweets

Tweeps: your Twitter followers

Timeline: the list of all your tweeps tweets, as well as your own, in real time.

Twitter name: your ‘handle’, always preceded by @ (For example, my Twitter name is @vklynne)

Followers: all the people who have clicked ‘follow’ on your page, and, thusly, are now your ‘tweeps’.

Taking action!:

Tweeting a thought: If you just have a clever thought you want to share, like “Hmm…must buy tampons.”, simply log on to Twitter, click ‘Home’ in the toolbar, and your Timeline will appear. At the top will be a box- Type your wit in there, Jackson. Then hit ‘return’, and you’re live, baby.

Tweeting a link: If you’d like to tweet a link to your favorite song on YouTube, oh, like, let’s just pick one at random, say ‘Vita Nova’, you’d first go to YouTube, where, under the video in question, you’d find a box that says ‘Share’. Click that chumpy. Then copy the link that is highlighted, sashay back to Twitter, and enter the link in your box. (Clean your mind up). Perhaps enter some witty text, then ‘return’! Linked! If you did this correctly, the link in question should be red or some other disparate color from your text.

Tweeting a tweep: OK, now suppose you want to send a pointed message to one or two specific tweeps. First, enter their Twitter names, thusly:

@amidnightgrace @gogomelone  Hey- We all should hang out when Eve’s Apple starts their own damn country and kicks out all the Adams!

Now, when I hit ‘return’, this tweet will cause your pants to vibrate…and not just because of it’s sparkling inside-jokery. Your phone will recognize that a tweet has been sent specifically TO YOU. This tweet will also show up in your ‘mentions’. These can be found by going to the home page on Twitter, at the top of your timeline you will see several tabs:

Timeline   @amidnightgrace   Activity  Searches  List

If you click your twitter name, for example, @amidnightgrace, it will list all tweets that mentioned you. If you click ‘Activity’, it will list every Twitter action your tweeps performed in real time.  If you click ‘searches’, it allows you to search for specific people/subjects on all of Twitter, not just within your tweeps. And if you click ‘Lists’,

it will show you any lists you may have created and any lists that other tweeps have added you to…Are you creeped out yet?

(Lists are only if you are incredibly hyper-organized and want to put your tweeps into categories- once you have a ton of followers it becomes a ‘hands-in-the-air, fuck-this’ sort of endeavor).

Got all that? OK…on to intermediate!

Basic terms:

RT: retweet

DM: direct message

Hashtags: the classic pound sign has a new name, Jackson- and that’s hashtag #.

#FF: follow Friday (Friday, Friday- stop it!)

#MM: music Monday

#WhiskeyWednesday: My personal favorite;)

emoticons: Adorable little fucking text symbols. J

trends: words that are appearing over and over throughout the world-wide Twitterverse.

Taking action!:

RT etiquette: A retweet is a nice way to acknowledge a tweep who tweets some quality shit, like that @vklynne bitch, man, her stuff is mint. If you see a tweep that makes you say, “Word.”, then simply hover your cursor over said tweet. At the bottom of the tweet 3 things will appear  ‘Favorite’ ‘Retweet’ and ‘Reply’. Favorite is like hot sauce, don’t get heavy-handed or people will start to think you’re some kind of fuckin’ psycho. ‘Retweet’ is the easiest way to tip your virtual hat to the sentiment. Just click and voila! The tweet is now on your timeline in its original state. ‘Reply’ is for when you actually want to volley a tweet back to the original tweeter, like “Hey VK, you are one sassy broad”. Use liberally.

Sending a DM: If you want to say something to a tweep that it would perhaps be indiscreet to say on your open timeline, like :

‘Hey V, so I met this hot chick in Fishtown last night, but she turned out to be a tranny’.

This sort of information would be best DM’ed. On your uppermost toolbar, you will see:

Home   Profile   Messages    Who To Follow

Click ‘messages’ and there will appear a box that says ‘new message’. Click it, type that shit in the box, then in the address bar type the recipient’s twitter name. Send!

(A word about ‘Profile’. Make your bio pithy and fun. Do NOT fill it with your fucking resume or a bunch of #teamfollowback and hashtag bullshit. FYI- If you see someone w/ #teamfollowback in their bio…don’t.

#FF etiquette: #FF is a nice way to acknowledge the people you’ve chatted with during the week, or the people who retweet your shit like a motherfucker. Once you get a bazillion followers, though, it can become unmanageable, so gauge what you can handle. Here’s what a #FF tweet should look like:

#FF : @amidnightgrace @gogomelone @evesmusic @vklynne Hugs!

(Or something equally gooey)

Overwhelmed? No? Excellent….You are now ready for :

ADVANCED TWEETING!!!

Basic terms:

Twitter app: on your phone, Jackson.

‘bots’: sons-of-bitches. Automated ho’s that tweet you solicitations whenever you happen to tweet about something that can be bought. Like an iPhone, a plane ticket, Kim Kardashian (Oh, no she didn’t!)

trolls: people you don’t know who start a Twitter fight with you because they have sad lives and live behind a computer now in their mom’s basement. Block and move on.

(A word about blocking…it is NOT like on FB. They can still see you if they specifically look for you, they just can’t ‘follow’ you. It’s a bit of an exercise in futility. But it feels so good to click “block” with authority!)

Twitter jail: When you have exceeded the amount of tweeting in one session that any normal human being should be capable of. I myself have tweeted on various occasions LIKE IT WAS MY JOB, and I have NEVER been to Twitter jail.

Follower/follow ratio:  Twitter will not allow you to follow too many more people than follow you…it is the earmark of a ‘bot’.

Taking action!

Tweeting from your phone:  If you have an iPhone, ‘tis cake. If not…click your Twitter name in the upper right hand corner toolbar. A drop down menu will say ‘Settings’ ‘Help’ or ‘Sign Out’. You want ‘Settings’ because you do not want to sign out, and I’M your ‘help’, gangster.

Once you’re at the Settings page, the third tab in will say ‘Mobile’. From there…fly little bird.

BEWARE (bots and trolls):  These can become a royal nuisance. DO NOT ENGAGE.

Moderation…or second account (Jailed!): If, for some reason, you have a tweetfest that you wake from gorged and looking for your underpants, and you have been JAILED…

1. Get help, dude. 2. Make a second account under a different name so you can keep up your deviant behavior.

Final Notes:

Tweeting for fun: This is your outlet for those wacky things that happen during your day…or that you see on FB.

Quotes, recipes, pics, RT’s: Folks love quotes…use liberally. Also, pictures of what you’re doing, where you’re at, what you’re eating. And a good RT keeps you in the game.

Tweeting for promo: …And you need to stay in the game. If you’re tweeting to promote something, you can’t tweet once a month or even once a week. You need to establish a consistent presence, and show that you are an active and viable member of whatever community you belong to- music, cooking, acting, whatever.  If you don’t, you WILL lose followers. And I am serious as a heart attack about that.

Don’t always be selling something…Let them see who you are as a person. Make a connection or several with a core of people who are related to what you’re promoting. An actor you are similar to, a band you are in the same genre as, an age group you identify with. A lot of this is trial and error, but this can and is a valuable tool if you’re willing to put in the time…And I personally have actually made some very cool real-life friends from Twitter.

A word about profile design: Keep it interesting! Make your pic something that grabs people, fills the box, and shows you or what you’re about to advantage. And pick a fun or conversation-provoking background. DO NOT leave ‘the egg’ as your profile pic or the clouds as your background. I will come to your house and shiv you myself.

However, do not be afraid of my shiv should you have a question. Feel free to tweet me any concerns/troubles you have along the way. I’m here to help…and mock… but mostly help.

Now tweet like a bird, motherfucker.

~VK Lynne

 ©2012